KRISTINA

Maybe I’m just hard to love.

Heartbreak isn’t always screaming and crying until you lose your voice and your eyes start to feel like fire and you find yourself lying on the floor not being able to catch your breath, don’t get me wrong you are more than likely to collapse sometimes and lose your mind, you’ll probably reach into that old drawer where you hid those cigarettes you promised yourself you’d never touch again after what you said was the last time, a couple of months ago, you’ll light one or two or three you will go for a long walk, gather yourself back together and probably wont even remember why you started crying in the first place, like what triggered you to feel all this pain all over again he’s been gone for too long to pretend he is ever going to come back but I guess we can still imagine what it would be like to get a phone call from him or a text message saying “hey it’s been a while” yeah well during the while you’ve been gone I’ve been intoxicating myself with anything that reminds me of you or sometimes with things that make me forget you. We can pretend the alcohol made me forget your name but fuck you still kept spinning around in my head and I slurred up your name more times than I could even remember and we can pretend that those cigarette breaks got your taste out of my mouth but fuck I think you were poison because you left this sharp after-taste that still remains after 9 months of us being away from one another, silly for me to think you even remember what my voice sounds like and fuck I’d be so wrong to think you still missed me because if you did you’d be back already. Sometimes heartbreak is not being able to listen to my favourite song because it’s bitter now because that was our song, so ill skip the tune and play something new, funny because you made me hate my favourite things and now I understand why I hate you because you are my favourite and I can’t fucking have you, the same way I can’t have my favourite song back and the same way I cant go back in time, one year ago and never walk down that path where I met you, that cold day in April. Sometimes heartbreak is standing with your friends and trying to stop your teeth from shattering and holding yourself together so you don’t cry out rivers from your hazel eyes because you know they don’t want to hear about him any-more. But honestly, I think heartbreak is this indescribable feeling of constantly loving that one person and still trying to move on from them at the same time, I don’t know how it’s possible to still love someone and still try to be happy with someone else, kissing strangers won’t bandage the scars he left you with but I guess they are a decent and temporary cover up of “yeah I’m over him.”